Getting my first pooch has introduced me to the strange, strange world of dog people, and friends, it’s pretty darn weird out there. I’ve had strangers randomly approach me on the street and boldly try to pick Annie up (um, how about no?), a random guy who works at Petco came up and kissed Annie without saying a word and then walked away (can anyone say, weirdo?), and a crazy drunk lady told me that she wanted to put Annie in her bed because she looked like a fox. Yeah, that happened. I know Annie is cute, but um, what?!
Due to these weird happenings, I’ve been forced to school myself in defusing potentially weird people. Not to brag, but I’ve kind of become an expert.
Here’s a breakdown of my famous moves:
1. The – I’m Sorry She’s Pulling Me Away, And There’s Nothing I Can Do About It, So Byyyyyyyyyyyye…
Yep, sorry, we’ve got to go. Mmm-kay?
This is probably my most famous and often used tactic. Basically, the way it works is when someone approaches that I don’t want to talk to, I act like Annie is pulling me away, and I say something like, “I’m sorry, this darn dog is always pulling! Got to gooooooooo!” fake laugh, fake laugh. Wanna know something? She’s not even pulling at all. I just tug the leash a little and then dramatically act like I’m in a game of tug of war. It’s like our little circus trick, and it works like a charm every time. I know more observant people can tell that I’m full of it, but whatevs.
2. The – You Might Want To Be Careful, She’s Kind Of A Wild Card…
Put me down, b*tch.
It’s a complete lie. Annie is super sweet and gentle. I only use this excuse if I feel like someone is too forward. You wouldn’t believe how bold people can be. There was this crossing guard who literally ripped Annie out of my arms, and when I held onto the leash, she was offended! She said, “I know how to hold dogs! You can let go.” I was like, “Yeah…um….no, lady.” Since that happened, I just say, “Oooooh be careful…sometimes she bites!” That’s all people need to hear to back off.
3. The – Oh, I’ve Got To Get Her Inside And Give Her Some Water/Food…
I use this with the neighbors who want to talk, talk, talk in the early morning when I’m taking Annie out for her morning bathroom routine. Having Annie has really opened up my eyes to morning people. You guys, morning people exist, and they want to talk even though it’s reeeeeeally, reeeeeally early, and they want to talk even though they haven’t even brushed their teeth yet. Annie’s first outing is often just after the sun comes up, and most of the time, I’m still half asleep. You would think that people wouldn’t want to make small talk so early, but noooooooooo. Some of these neighbors remark on anything from the weather, her bowel movements (if she happens to have one in their presence), garbage day, if it’s raining, if it’s not raining, if it’s hot, if it’s not hot, and many other random and miscellaneous subjects. If my head is spinning because I haven’t had my morning coffee, than I usually mutter something like, “Oh, she must starving…I really need to get her inside and feed her breakfast.” It’s so easy, and it works every single time. Usually the neighbor says, “Oh, go, go, sorry to keep you,” and in my head I’m thinking, Uh, thank you sweet baby Jesus.
4. The- My Husband Should Be Here Any Second With Poopy Bags…
It seems like a lot of people are trying to recreate this scene from You’ve Got Mail.
So, I have a secret! I think that a lot of people get dogs so they can flirt with other people who have dogs. In other words, if you’re single and having a hard time meeting people, get a dog! Seriously. Only problem is for the married people it can get a little awkward, especially when you feel like someone is flirting with you via your dog. It’s happened to both Matt and I. Typically, I try to scratch my nose in an attempt to display my ring finger, or I lie and say, “Sorry, just looking for my husband, he was supposed to meet me out here with the doggie bags…” It’s an easy way to not make the person feel foolish, but also get the hell out of dodge.
Pictures by naturalhorselover.blogspot.com, www.markscartoonart.com, http://cheezburger.com/7064285696, http://janeaustenfilmclub.blogspot.com/2012_07_01_archive.html