About sarahpalma

My name is Sarah Palma. My last name used to be Barkoff. I just got married, and I am still adjusting to my new identity. I think of my new last name as an alias, and it's my new favorite game. I am 29 years old and I am a hairstylist, student, wife, daughter, bff (that stands for best friend forever not butt f*** forever...just sayin'), aunt, sister, sister in law, daughter in law, well, you get the point...Here are a few more key points to know about me: 1. I am married to Matt who is a medical student/genius/Adonis. I'm definitely gonna hold onto him with the jaws of life if you know what I mean. He's a smarty pants who has no idea how good looking he is. SCORE! 2. We live in Grenada (which is in the West Indies) so he can attend med school, but just until this December and then we'll be back in New York where he'll begin his clinical rotations. 3. I'm not from New York, but I have lived there for the past 10 years (with the exception of the past two years in Grenada.) I am from Detroit, Michigan and my whole family still lives there

Please Say You’ll Vote For Me…

Hi friends~

I’ve entered my first novel THE E̶X̶T̶R̶A̶ORDINARY LIFE OF ANNIE OAKLEE into a chance to be picked for a Kindle Scout publishing contract!  I’m really excited for this opportunity, and I’d appreciate it very much if you’d follow this link, and nominate my novel.

https://kindlescout.amazon.com/p/35BE8YEEZ1AAB

If I can get enough nominations and traffic, than it will help me attract the attention of the Kindle Scout publishing team, and greatly increase my chances of getting this novel considered for a publishing contract.  So, please, please, please nominate THE E̶X̶T̶R̶A̶ORDINARY LIFE OF ANNIE OAKLEE!!!!  If you really enjoy the sample chapters, would you please share with your networks?  Pretty please?!

I’ll keep you all posted when the 30 day campaign is up, and let you know if my novel was chosen.

Thank you!!

Sarah

New Blog…

Hi Everyone,

I know it’s been a very long while, but I have a good excuse…I had a baby!  Yes, I had a beautiful baby boy, and now I’ve decided to start a new mommy blog that will mostly focus on navigating motherhood for the first time, though there will definitely be some of my old antics mixed in.  I invite you all to check it out if that sounds like it might interest you, and I really hope you will, because honestly, I’ve missed you all, and would love to hear from you.

Here’s the link:

Monk & Me

Please stop over and say hello if you have a minute, and if you have longer than a minute, please follow Monk & Me.

Hope to hear from you soon.

xo

Sarah

Long Time, No Read…

Is anybody out there? …

I repeat…is anybody out there?

Bueller?

Bueller?

Ha.  It’s been a long, long while, but just wanted to pop in to say heyyyyyyyyyyyyy!  Oh, and to give you the link to an essay I wrote, which was featured on HelloGiggles today.  Hooray!  Very excited about that.

And just so you know, I miss you guys like candy…or candaaaaaaaaay (insert Mandy Moore’s twangy voice.)

I promise I’ll be talking to you soon!

http://hellogiggles.com/ode-long-lost-granny-sweater/#read

xo

Sarah

 

On This Thankful Day…

I’m not one of those lucky people. You know, the kind who win playing scratch-off lottery tickets, or the person who runs for the train and makes it just in time, or the people who always manage to choose the fast line at the grocery store. In fact, I always pick the wrong line at the grocery store. But I’m lucky where it counts the most, and for that I’m thankful.

Happy Thanksgiving, friends!

20 Ways To Trick People Into Thinking You’re Smart…

Frenchy: Hey, Marty, are those new glasses? Marty: Oh yeah, I just got them for school. Don't you think they make me look smarter? Rizzo: Nah, you can still see your face. down your bra?

Frenchy: Hey, Marty, are those new glasses?
Marty: Oh yeah, I just got them for school. Don’t you think they make me look smarter?
Rizzo: Nah, you can still see your face.

1.  Attend art galleries, and act deeply moved when you’re staring face to face with a giant painting of nothing but a big black dot.

2.  Say ‘palate’ whenever referring to your taste in food.

3.  Wear black framed, non-prescription ‘nerd’ glasses.

4.  Live in Brooklyn.

5.  Repeat ideas smart people have said in your presence and pretend that they’re your own.

6.  Use words like, actually, literally, honestly, and personally, at the start of most sentences.

7.  If you watch any reality television, You. Must. Not. Admit. This. EVER.

8.  Tell people your favorite television shows are Homeland, any HBO show (other than True Blood), Downton Abbey, or Breaking Bad.

9.  If you have nothing intelligent to contribute to Facebook, Twitter, etc., at the very least, use these correctly: there, they’re, their, your, you’re, we’re, were, then, than.

10.  Pretend you’re really up on politics, but only read the headlines.

11. Tell people your favorite movies are foreign films, and then name drop at least three titles.  Extra points if you pronounce them correctly.

12.  Hang out at any coffee shop except Starbucks, and preferably one that sells crappy coffee that costs twice as much as the chains.

13.  Shop at independent bookstores, and scour the historical fiction section (hopefully while wearing your black framed nerd glasses.)

14.  Tell people you studied abroad.

15.  Tell people you’ve read lots of books, and name-drop titles like The Importance of Being Earnest, Ulysses, A Tale of Two Cities, The Odyssey, The Old Man and the Sea, etc.

16.  Talk about Freud and drop at least one of his theories into conversation at a dinner party.

17.  Say you love every Woody Allen movie whenever given the chance.

18.  Use the word ‘juxtaposed’ in a sentence correctly.

19.  Use words like layered, texture, ripe, raw and supple when describing music.  Bonus points if you can use any of those words to describe Bon Iver’s music.

20.  When drinking red wine with friends, first refer to the taste as full-bodied and complex, then once you really have their attention, talk about how you love the hints of oak and cedar wood.

~The End.

Pictures courtesy of IMDB

To Spill Or Not To Spill…

Do you ever get sick of yourself?  Like, when you’re talking, and suddenly you just want to scream, “Blah!  I don’t wanna talk about me anymore!  I’m over myself today!”  This happens to me a lot when I’m working at the salon, and mostly because I feel like so much of my day revolves around talking about my life.  I think other hair stylists will agree, when women are at the beauty salon they want to gossip, and let me tell you, I’ve heard some cray cray stuff in my time as a stylist.  What always surprises me, though, is how much clients want to know about me. Their questions range from personal to general, but I find that more often than not, I’m asked these questions: What brought you to New York? How long have you been married? How did you meet your husband?  What does your husband do?  Where do you live?  Do you want children?

Sometimes I feel like these ladies are looking at me all like:

You know you want to.

You know you want to.

I really don’t mind sharing things about my personal life, but sometimes it gets exhausting.  It can feel good to talk about myself and therapeutic to share stories, but there are other instances where divulging too much has made me feel overexposed.  I remember telling one client about the time Matt got really sick when we were living in Grenada and how scared I was.  An almost stranger knew about one of the most terrifying moments of my life, and I felt really weird about it afterward.

I think sharing personal anecdotes are one of the big ways women connect with each other (and human beings in general).  Women are emotional creatures, I get it, and I am very emotional, but I do find as I get older, I’m turning into more of a dude.  I don’t really like to have super long conversations on the phone anymore, I can’t stand gossip, and I’ve started to take things at face value more.  Maybe it’s because I live with a dude, maybe it’s because I’m content with where I am in my life, or maybe I simply spent my entire 20’s analyzing myself, and now at 30 I’m spent.  Either way, it’s safe to say I’m just not that into me anymore.  I mean, I love myself as I believe every confident person should, but I just don’t care to brag about how awesome my life is.

I guess I’m too busy living.

~The End.

Photo by Anne Taintor.

Um, My Dog Made Me Do It (and 4 other excuses to blame on Fido)…

Getting my first pooch has introduced me to the strange, strange world of dog people, and friends, it’s pretty darn weird out there.  I’ve had strangers randomly approach me on the street and boldly try to pick Annie up (um, how about no?), a random guy who works at Petco came up and kissed Annie without saying a word and then walked away (can anyone say, weirdo?), and a crazy drunk lady told me that she wanted to put Annie in her bed because she looked like a fox.  Yeah, that happened.  I know Annie is cute, but um, what?!

Due to these weird happenings, I’ve been forced to school myself in defusing potentially weird people.  Not to brag, but I’ve kind of become an expert.

Here’s a breakdown of my famous moves:

1. The – I’m Sorry She’s Pulling Me Away, And There’s Nothing I Can Do About It, So Byyyyyyyyyyyye…

Yeah, sorry, gotta go!

Yep, sorry, we’ve got to go.  Mmm-kay?

This is probably my most famous and often used tactic.  Basically, the way it works is when someone approaches that I don’t want to talk to, I act like Annie is pulling me away, and I say something like, “I’m sorry, this darn dog is always pulling!  Got to gooooooooo!” fake laugh, fake laugh.  Wanna know something?  She’s not even pulling at all.  I just tug the leash a little and then dramatically act like I’m in a game of tug of war.  It’s like our little circus trick, and it works like a charm every time.  I know more observant people can tell that I’m full of it, but whatevs.

2. The – You Might Want To Be Careful, She’s Kind Of A Wild Card…

Put me down, b*tch.

Put me down, b*tch.

It’s a complete lie.  Annie is super sweet and gentle.  I only use this excuse if I feel like someone is too forward.  You wouldn’t believe how bold people can be.  There was this crossing guard who literally ripped Annie out of my arms, and when I held onto the leash, she was offended!  She said, “I know how to hold dogs!  You can let go.”  I was like, “Yeah…um….no, lady.”  Since that happened, I just say, “Oooooh be careful…sometimes she bites!”  That’s all people need to hear to back off.

3. The – Oh, I’ve Got To Get Her Inside And Give Her Some Water/Food…

Screen shot 2013-07-11 at 4.53.53 PM

I use this with the neighbors who want to talk, talk, talk in the early morning when I’m taking Annie out for her morning bathroom routine.  Having Annie has really opened up my eyes to morning people.  You guys, morning people exist, and they want to talk even though it’s reeeeeeally, reeeeeally early, and they want to talk even though they haven’t even brushed their teeth yet.  Annie’s first outing is often just after the sun comes up, and most of the time, I’m still half asleep.  You would think that people wouldn’t want to make small talk so early, but noooooooooo.  Some of these neighbors remark on anything from the weather, her bowel movements (if she happens to have one in their presence), garbage day, if it’s raining, if it’s not raining, if it’s hot, if it’s not hot, and many other random and miscellaneous subjects.  If my head is spinning because I haven’t had my morning coffee, than I usually mutter something like, “Oh, she must starving…I really need to get her inside and feed her breakfast.”  It’s so easy, and it works every single time.  Usually the neighbor says, “Oh, go, go, sorry to keep you,” and in my head I’m thinking, Uh, thank you sweet baby Jesus.

4. The- My Husband Should Be Here Any Second With Poopy Bags…

It seems like a lot of people are trying to recreate this scene from You've Got Mail.

It seems like a lot of people are trying to recreate this scene from You’ve Got Mail.

So, I have a secret!  I think that a lot of people get dogs so they can flirt with other people who have dogs.  In other words, if you’re single and having a hard time meeting people, get a dog!  Seriously.  Only problem is for the married people it can get a little awkward, especially when you feel like someone is flirting with you via your dog.  It’s happened to both Matt and I.  Typically, I try to scratch my nose in an attempt to display my ring finger, or I lie and say, “Sorry, just looking for my husband, he was supposed to meet me out here with the doggie bags…”  It’s an easy way to not make the person feel foolish, but also get the hell out of dodge.

~The End.

Pictures by naturalhorselover.blogspot.com, www.markscartoonart.com, http://cheezburger.com/7064285696, http://janeaustenfilmclub.blogspot.com/2012_07_01_archive.html