Words With Trends.

***WARNING*** 

This post is a rant.

I have a confession.  Sometimes I get really, really annoyed with my generation.  I don’t mean to be a traitor or anything, but I can’t help myself.  In my daily life, as well as the internet on sites like Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest, I see the same trendy fads and phrases popping up nearly everywhere.  It’s like one day they’re not there, and then POOF, they’re EVERYWHERE.

So, I have to get this off of my chest…

I bring you…

My Top 5 Most Loathed Words With Trends:

1. Swag

As in, “He’s got killer swag.”

Oh, “swag”, I loathe you most of all.

Swag, swag, swag…Before ‘swag’ I never knew that I was capable of loathing a word so much.  I don’t know what it means, and to be honest with you, I really don’t care.  All that I really know is that I cringe every time someone uses it in reference to a virtue, and if I never heard the word muttered from any other human beings lips for the rest of my life, I would be a very happy girl.

2. Fingerstaches

Can we stop this? Please?

Can we talk about fingerstaches for a second?  I’d honestly like to know why, when, and where this mustache fetish started?  Not only is the term for this horrendous trend ridiculous, but I find the whole “let me hold up my finger with a fake mustache drawn on it” really sort of dumb.  I have actually seen people with a tattoo of this absurd fad, and I can’t help but think, “C’mon, seriously?!”  I mean, I get it, it was funny for about two seconds…wait, no it wasn’t.  It was never funny.  Ever.  So, can we all resolve to stop this mayhem?

3. Awesome Sauce

As in, “Dinner was totally awesome sauce!”

I’m cringing just reading this.

Oh…’awesome sauce,’ I really don’t like you.  This is one that didn’t bother me much in the beginning, but then I started hearing it, and then I started hearing it some more, and then I started hearing it so much, in reference to so many people, places, and things, that it made me want to rip my hair out.  Why can’t something just simply be awesome?  Try it.  It feels good to say something is just plain awesome.  It’s sincere.  It’s effective.  If I had the choice, I’d never hear ‘awesome sauce’ again, unless of course, it was in reference to a sauce that was actually awesome, like Frank’s RedHot, then it would be entirely acceptable.

4. Adorkable

As in, “She’s so super adorkable.”

The gal who inspired the craze.

I admire Zooey Deschanel.  She’s quirky, whimsical, and she’s also really, really smart.  She has marketed herself as the cute-dress wearing, 60′s inspired, unique actress who stars in the coolest independent films.  Plus, she has really great bangs, but that’s not the point.  The fact is, there is no other actress out there like her, and she did a great job at setting herself apart.  Genius.  You want to know what’s not genius?  The dumb stigma that someone labeled her with- “Adorkable.”  Yes, she is adorable, and she might even be a bit of a dork in her free time, but can we just call her what she really is?  A very smart business woman.

5. (Insert adjective and select a gender here) problems.

As in, “Being too short to see out of the peephole of your front door = Short girl problems.” (By the way, that happened to me.)

I blame you, Jersey Shore.

So, it all started with Jersey Shore, as most annoying sayings do.  Pauly D referred to Snookie and Co. as having “meatball problems” when bad fortune started to come their way.  That was it.  A mania was born.  Suddenly you couldn’t go on Facebook without someone lamenting about their, “short girl problems,” or “tall guy problems,” or “nerd girl problems,” and so on and so forth.  Everyone wanted in on the action, and it became, well, exhausting.  So, I have to ask, can we just keep all of our whatever guy/girl problems to ourselves?  Please?

~The End.

Pictures by Ghettoredhot, Pinterest, shortgirlprbs.tumblr.com

About these ads

My Ode to Snoop Dogg (if he should ever read this)…

What’s that you say, Snoop?

Dear Snoop D-O-Double G,

I want to hereby thank you for preparing me with the knowledge of knowing what to do in  situations that involve the 5-0 (aka the cops). You see, the other day I took ride to CVS to pick up a prescription for my husband.  After completing my purchase, I exited the store, got into my car, and proceeded to pull out of my parking spot.  However, as I was doing so, I glanced down at the prescription I had just bought, and started second-guessing whether I had picked up the right one.  So, what does any good wife do?  She texts her hubby to make sure, of course!  As I was texting, though, a police car suddenly pulled up beside me, and I started to freak.  I’m no dummy; I know it’s against the law to be texting and driving, but the thing was, I wasn’t technically driving, so I wasn’t sure what to do.

Snoop Dogg, just like an angel from above, I heard your voice say to me, “When the pigs try to get at ya- Park it like it’s hot/ Park it like it’s hot/ Park it like it’s hot,” and I calmly pulled back into my parking spot and turned the ignition off.

And can I just tell you, Snoop Dogg, you were so right.  The police officers looked into my car at me, and I was like, “What?” because I knew there was nothing they could do about it.  I was in a parked vehicle, and I wasn’t breaking the law.

So, I just wanted to say thank you for indirectly providing me with the tools I needed on that fateful day, because to be completely honest with you, I had no idea that a song I listened to on repeat in my beaten down Ford Tempo back in 2004, would be so influential on my life.

So, thank you, Snoop Dogg.

Your fan,

Sarah Palma

~The End

Photo by fanpop.com

I’m In A New York State Of Mind…

Have you ever noticed how many delusional people exist to this world?  I’ve always said that New York is a sort of Mecca for people with unrealistic expectations, and the kind of place where it’s okay to dream really big.  In fact, you can’t not be a dreamer and survive in New York.  Just think of the teeny, tiny apartments that cost thousands of dollars a month to live in, and all the inconveniences that go along with New York living; having multiple roommates so that you can cover rent, grocery stores that are miles away, five and six-story walk ups, schlepping heavy laundry for blocks in the dead of winter.  Why would anyone go through all this?  It’s simple.  Because there is no greater place to make big things happen in your life than New York City.  Period.  I guarantee every person you pass on a bustling, taxi-honking street has some sort of dream or expectation about being in New York.  Whether it’s to star in a Broadway show someday, become chief editor of the New York Times, hit it big in the corporate world, become a famous blogger, become a famous fashion designer, publish a best-selling novel, write a screenplay that will win you an Oscar, etc. etc…And I should know, because as you may have already guessed, a few of my biggest dreams were mixed in there.  You see, this massive fool’s paradise is probably why I love New York so much to begin with, because let’s face it, I’m a little delusional, too.

You’ve heard the old adage about New York:  “If I can make it there (insert robust drum beat here) I’ll make it anywhere.  It’s up to you, New York, New York.”

Obviously this guy made it in New York…just look at him.

Everyone has also heard the success stories about making it big in New York, but the one thing nobody ever seems to talk about, are the thousands of people who come here year after year who don’t make it.  They’re the people who New York eats up and spits out.  They’re the same people who once got goosebumps while listening to those Frank Sinatra lyrics, but can no longer bear to hear the song.  They are those that slowly fade into the distance or simply “go back home” eventually.

My pondering on the subject started last night on my subway ride home from work.  There was this early twenty-something-year-old girl sitting nearby on an extremely crowded, yet surprisingly quiet rush hour train.  Her friend was standing in front of her and they were sharing an iPod as they listened to music.  Suddenly at the top of her lungs she decided to act out an entire scene from what I presumed was Mary Poppin’s, complete with both male and female roles (including an astonishingly bad imitation of some sort of British accent.)  She totally got her wish; every person in the subway car stopped what they were doing to stare.  Her routine climaxed when she impersonated a crash, which highlighted her ability to do sound effects as well.  Her male friend, a seemingly sweet and quiet type, stood there looking slightly embarrassed by the spectacle, but remained supportive as he said, “That was amazing.”  She replied, “I know, acting out the scene in its entirety is part of the process I go through before a big audition.”

I really wish my story ended here, but unfortunately it didn’t.  When she was done with the show tune extravaganza, she moved on to Nicki Minaj, so that we all could see that she was a gal of many talents, including rapping.  She rapped the entire song of “Super Bass” and also sang the hook as loud and as tone-deaf as her voice could carry her.  All the while, her friend stood there, ear phone in one ear, trying his best to look carefree, even though his cheeks had turned a slight shade of pink from embarrassment.  She paid no attention and was thoroughly engrossed in her rap, when she suddenly stopped and stated the following: “I watch every interview I can find of Lady Gaga and Nicki Minaj, and do you wanna know what all of them have in common?

Girl’s Friend:  “What?”

Girl:  They both say that they like to impersonate characters every day of their lives, because it makes life more interesting, and because they love standing out.  Isn’t that just like me?

Girl’s Friend:  Totally.

Girl:  (smug) I guess that must mean I am going to be famous someday, too.

Girl’s Friend:  Yup.

Just as this conversation wrapped up, it was time for me to hop off the subway.  On my walk home I couldn’t help but envision all the rude awakenings that I was sure this girl was going to get, and I couldn’t help but feel a little sorry for her, too.  I guess I could see some of my younger self in her…Untainted confidence, hopefulness, and even though she was extremely annoying to me after a long day at work, I could still admire something about her.  She believed in herself.  Wholeheartedly.  I had to give her credit for that.

Maybe not everyone makes it in New York, and maybe some people do eventually fade into the dust, but I guess everyone has to figure it out on their own.  Still, I hope someday I can say that I made it…really made it…in New York.

~The End.

Photos by Pinterest.

Seven Things That Are Underrated (if you ask me)…

1. A woman with a firm handshake

Totally boss.

I don’t know about you, but I appreciate a confident, firm handshake when shaking another woman’s hand.  Nothing is worse than going in for an assertive grip only to be met by a feeble handshake in return . Those limp hand shakes are for the birds, and leave me asking, “What woman started this wimpy habit?”  I think there is something so refreshing about a woman with some substance behind that palm.  To me, it says, “I’m a strong, capable, secure woman, and I’m not afraid to show it.”  C’mon ladies, men do it, so why don’t we?

2. Eating dinner alone

When I was younger I hated being alone.  I could easily spend days and nights completely consumed by hanging out with my friends.  In fact, the first day I met my friend Reagan, we ended up spending nearly a week together, going back and forth to each others apartments.  I still love my friends (and my husband), but I no longer mind eating dinner alone.  I could easily go sit by myself at a café or diner and be completely content there alone without anyone else to talk to.  I think with age you start to appreciate alone time more (at least I do), and those times where you can turn your brain off become highly underrated.

3. Comfortable Silence

Does anyone remember this scene in Pulp Fiction?

It goes something like this:

Mia: Don’t you hate that?

Vincent: What?

Mia: Uncomfortable silences. Why do we feel it’s necessary to yak about bulls*it in order to be comfortable?

Vincent: I don’t know. That’s a good question.

Mia: That’s when you know you’ve found somebody special. When you can just shut up for a minute and comfortably enjoy the silence.

P.S.  Isn’t that true?

4. Getting lost

I hate to sound cliché, but everything really does happen for a reason.  Sometimes it’s good to be lost, and sometimes it’s good to not have your life completely planned out.  Trust me, I learned this one the hard way.  I spent most of my early 20′s trying to control everything and everyone who walked into and out of my life.  Finally something clicked one day, and I realized that living my life this way made me miserable, so I decided to make a change.  One of the best times of my life was when I decided to stop looking at the big picture, just take each day at a time, and give myself permission to flounder…and do you want to know a secret?  I became happier, and something wonderful happened.  I met Matt, who eventually became my husband.  You might think something is right for you, whether it be a job, relationship, etc., but it might not be what is best for you.  If you refuse to let yourself be lost, than you never allow yourself to truly be found.

5. Handwritten letters sent in the mail

Snail mail is way underrated.

In a generation where we can connect with people all over the world in a matter of seconds, it’s almost impossible to not take advantage of the internet and email.  However, I think sending a good, old-fashioned letter or card in the mail is completely underrated.  Think about it.  What if you opened your mailbox today, and received a note from a friend telling you how much they missed you, instead of simply writing it on your Facebook wall.  How special would that make you feel?  Yep, pretty special.  That’s what I thought

6. Electric blankets

So genius.

The fact that I found this picture, where the model is trying her best to look super cool as she is luxuriously wrapped up in the electric blanket, is so funny to me.  So, I know we’re moving in on summer here, but I’ve got to tell you, electric blankets are totally underrated.  If you’ve ever slept in one, especially in the dead of winter, than you know exactly what I’m talking about.  It’s warm…it’s cozy…and it’s phenomenal…Enough said.

7. Diners, Drive-In’s and Dives

Best. Show. Ever.

I am seriously obsessed with this show, and think it’s the bomb.  Let me guess, you’ve never heard of it, right?  That doesn’t surprise me, because every time I try to shoot the sh*t with someone about it, they have no idea what I’m talking about.  If you’ve never seen it, it’s basically a cooking show where the host, Guy Fieri, travels around the United States in search of the best diners, drive-in’s and dives.  It’s not your average cooking show, in that it doesn’t go into all the tedious step by step process of a recipe, but it does give you a recap of numerous cooks whipping up deliciously unhealthy grub that is sure to make your mouth water.  In a nutshell, this show is entertaining and tons of fun, but completely underrated, because hardly anyone has heard of it.

Photos by New York Daily News, Pinterest, IMDB, The Food Network, http://www.notthatkindofgirl.net/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/catladydinner.jpg

I Bet You Think This Song Is About You…

You wanna know what I find awkward?  When singers sing their own names in songs.

Has anybody else ever noticed this?  When I hear an artist lovingly singing their own name, whether it’s amidst a long drawn out riff, or a random shout-out in the background of a song, I cannot help but feel my skin crawl.  I don’t know, maybe something about it reminds me of the old Greek mythology tale of Narcissus, or the heeby-jeeby way I feel when people speak of themselves in the third person…whatever it is, it’s awkward, and I wish all those that exercise this strange, strange habit would just, well, stop.

The First Offender:  James Taylor

Go on, get down with your bad self, James.

The first time I experienced this phenomenon was a few summers ago while watching James Taylor on a hot summer night in concert at Jones Beach.  It was a wonderful concert, don’t get me wrong, and James Taylor can still hold his own in a two-hour plus concert.  However, I couldn’t help it.  I cringed a little when he started breaking it down on his guitar while singing, “Baby James” over and over, as he shook his head in pure jamming mode.  I squirmed a little, as I looked at everyone else in surrounding seats, happily singing along to his classics.  Was I the only one noticing this awkwardness?  I glanced back up at James Taylor on the huge stage, still improvising on his guitar.  “Baby James’ he crooned again, this time with more emotion and conviction.

Hadn’t anyone ever told James Taylor that this was an awkward little habit?  I imagined that anyone close to him probably felt too uncomfortable to point it out, and thus enabled ‘this thing’ to go on and on…

Anyway, after my James Taylor discovery, I suddenly started taking notice of other singers doing it.  They seemed to be popping up everywhere which way I turned.

The Second Offender:  Lady Gaga

The Gaga-nator.

Does this ring a bell?

“Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah!
Roma-roma-mamaa!
Ga-ga-ooh-la-la! <–Um, yeah she just gave herself a shout-out while chanting in her song Bad Romance.

Now I love Gaga, people, so don’t get it twisted.  She’s a good ol’ Italian gal, she loves Liza Minnelli as much as I do, and she sounds amazing live.  But still, she has a penchant for belting out her own name.

Recently in an interview on Oprah, Lady Gaga’s mother was asked what she thought of her daughter growing up.  Her mother responded something like, “Well, I always kinda thought she had a screw loose?”  Uh, yeah, you think?

The Third Offender, and might I add, WORST Offender:  Jason Derulo

"Jason Deruuuuuuuuloooooooo," as sung by Jason Derulo.

Jason Derulo’s habit of doing this is by far the worst.  He has multiple YouTube videos dedicated to this unbecoming habit, and even a Facebook page entitled, ahem, “Jason Derulo Sings His Own Name.”  He thinks nothing of riffing his own name, or saying it all breathy at the beginning of his songs.  I’m sure he just wants us to know who he is, but I have to ask myself, is this really the way to go about it?  Eh, I don’t think so, but maybe that’s just me…

So, you tell me, has anyone else ever noticed singers crooning their own names?

~The End.

Photos by boardwalkhall.com, idolator.com

I Had Awkward Years…And So Did You.

About two years ago my brother-in-law got his hands on one of my photo albums, where I put miscellaneous pictures that I don’t know what else to do with.  He was casually rummaging through the pages commenting here and there, until he stopped on one picture in particular, and proceeded to burst out into hysterical laughter.  I said, “What?  What are you laughing at?  Show me!”  He pulled the picture out of the photo jacket and there it was.  The. Most. Awkward. Picture. Of. Me. Ever.  “I knew I should have destroyed this when I had the chance!” I said, slipping it back into its place in the album and closing it shut.

Rewind a few months earlier to when my mother was having discovery of her own.  She found the same infamous picture at my family’s home back in Michigan while cleaning out the garage.  The day she found it, she called to inform me of her finding.  When I answered the phone and said, “Hello?” All I heard on the other end was my mother’s laughter.  “What?” I asked, “What is so funny?”  When my mom finally stopped laughing she said, “I found the funniest picture of you ever!”  I asked her to describe the picture to me, and once she mentioned the mustard colored B.U.M. Equipment sweatshirt I was wearing in it (which by the way was a staple in my wardrobe at age 9), I knew exactly what picture she was talking about.  I told her I wanted to see it for myself, so she mailed it to me.

The day it came in the mail, I opened the envelope and pulled out the picture, and I couldn’t help it, I started laughing, too.  “Had I really been that awkward?!” I asked myself.  Later that night I showed it to Matt and he said, “Ha!  You still make that face!”  I snatched it back from him, to get a closer look.  “I do?” I asked, analyzing it.  “No way.”  I held the picture out, tilting my head to the side, as if it might help me see myself hidden somewhere in my nine-year old body more clearly.  “I’m going to destroy this thing,” I suddenly said at once, ready to tear it in half.  “No, you can’t.  Those are memories,” Matt said.  As I flipped the picture over, and saw my late grandfather’s handwriting, I thought better of it, and decided to not make the rip.  Not knowing what else to do with it, I stuck it behind another picture in my photo album and forgot about it.  That is, until it was uncovered a few months later.

So, what do you do with your most awkward picture ever?  I can’t necessarily destroy the thing, it wouldn’t be right, and it’s bound to be discovered again…and again…

At this point, the only thing I see fitting is to own this picture, and my awkwardness, and everything else that was inelegant about my most clumsy years.

Yes, I’ve decided to unveil it.

Drum roll, please.

The pink and purple moon boots are a nice touch, eh?

So, there you have it…my most awkward picture ever.

C’mon you all were awkward, too, right?

~The End.

Photos by awkwardme.com.

What I Really Want Most in Life Right Now…

Is for…Halle Berry to finally get a new haircut.

C'mon Hal, how long have you been rocking this look for now?

You know the old saying, ‘If it ain’t broke don’t fix it?’ Well, if I had to guess, I’d say Halle is probably living by that mantra.  I kind of agree with it too, but not in this case.  Halle has a beautiful face and could clearly rock a variety of styles, so why not mix it up every now and then, Hal?  You’ve been wearing the same haircut since Clinton was in office.  I think it’s time to try a little somethin’ somethin’ new.  What do you say?

Is for…The women on The Bachelor to stop crying over Ben or any other “bachelor” for that matter.

Poor, poor Kacie B...whatchu gonna do? Cry over Ben? C'mon girl, get it together!

I’m not even sure I should get started on this subject, because you won’t be able to shut me up.  I’ll try to keep it simple:  Why do these women season after season weep over these lame-o Bachelors?  If you put it into perspective, the whole filming process of The Bachelor is about eight weeks long.  These women barely even know the guys that they’re bawling their eyes out over!  Yet season after season, they carry on as if this bachelor is the last man on earth.  Go figure.

While I’m on The Bachelor subject…

What I also really want most in life right now is for Courtney from The Bachelor to get some payback.  Like, big time payback.

Ugh.

Be careful, Ben, this one is a handful.  She has been nothing but mean-spirited, manipulative, and sinister during this entire season of The Bachelor.  Holy cow, she is probably the meanest woman to ever step foot on The Bachelor, and that is saying a lot, because there have been some doozies!  I think the worst part of all, is that there have been rumors swirling around that she is the one to snag Ben in the end, and GASP, gets proposed to.  Ugh, the nerve of this wench.  If that’s true, which I hope it’s not, one can only hope karma is a real thing, and that it eventually comes back to bite her in her skinny dipping a.

Is to…Finally accept that I basically had a Toddlers in Tiaras childhood.

Yes, this is me.

As some of you already know I have a special place in my heart for Mackenzie from Toddlers in Tiaras, and now you all know why.  Now in my defense, I may be wearing a massive crown and a fur coat, but I hope you notice that there is not a stitch of make-up on my face.  I’d also like to add that I strictly competed in the talent part of the contest, which usually consisted of me singing a song and doing a little tap dance.  I never did that weird thing that the kids do nowadays where they make sexy faces and “eye contact” with the judges.  It was different in the 80′s…Do you all notice a trend here, though?  What I really want most in life right now is to accept my toddlers in tiaras childhood, but as you can see, I’m not quite there yet!

Is to…Start wearing heels again before I am old enough to break a hip from doing so.

I will wear heels again...I will wear heels again...I will wear heels again...

Living in Grenada for two years in flip-flops really did a number on my feet, but if I’m honest, I hadn’t worn heels for a good year or two before that anyhow.  Being such a short little lady (only 5’2″), I should really be rocking some cute heels every now and then, but I don’t.  Ever.  You would think I would be forced to get my feet into some heels now that I’m back in New York, but instead I have graduated to Ugg boots this winter, which are basically the equivalent to flip-flops.  Ugg boots are a great way to cheat wearing real shoes, because they are practically like wearing slippers.  I have got to start wearing heels before I really am old enough to break a hip.  Plus, I have no excuse.  My Grandma Barkoff literally wore four-inch wedges until the day she died, which was at 88!  Would you believe me if I told that I never once saw my grandma stand up without her heels on?  Well, believe it, because my grandma never let anyone see her without her heels!  She even put them on with her robe and pajamas in the morning!  Yeah, I know, that’s awesome, right?

Is to…Be just like Liza Minnelli when I grow up, minus all the drug and alcohol problems.

Icon.

This could actually fall under “What I really want most in life always,” because there is seriously no one else on earth that I would want to switch singing and dancing abilities with.  Who is better than Liza?  I can answer that.  No one.  She is the greatest there is, ever was, and ever will be.

~The End.

Photos by stylebistro.com, wetpaint.com, okhereisthesituation.com, pinterest, collegelifestyles.org, cyanyde.tumblr.com