Five Odd Things That Regularly Cross My Mind.

1.) What to eat…what to eat…

Exactly.

Usually the first thing that crosses my mind when I wake up is something like, “What time is it?  8.  Okay, time to get up.  What am I going to eat?!??!!”  Yes, the first thing I think about when I wake up is FOOD!  In fact, I’m usually already thinking about it while I brush my teeth for bed the night before.  I’ll be brushing my teeth going, “Coffee? Yes, definitely coffee.  Cereal, maybe?  Oatmeal with bananas or oatmeal with apples and cinnamon?  Egg, perhaps?  Yeah, definitely eggs.  Eggs and coffee for sure tomorrow.”  I know it’s weird, but I’m not alone.  Recently, while turning down the covers before I bed I asked Matt, “Is it strange that right now I’m excited about what I’m going to eat tomorrow morning?”  He looked at me and said, “No, not all.  I always think about what I’m going to eat before I go to bed.”  So I asked, “Well, do you get excited about it, though?”  He considered it for a moment and then simply said, “Yeah.  I do.” C’mon, are we a match made in heaven or what?

2.)  Wait, how old am I again?

Just yesterday I was in a group of people who I thought were around my age, until the subject of age came up, and they all said they were between the ages of twenty-two and twenty-six.  I was like, “Yeah, I’m twenty-four…” and then a big mental whoop-lash came back around smacking into reality, letting me know that I am in fact twenty-nine not twenty-four.  My theory on age is that everyone has their own magic number that they never age passed.  Mine just happens to be twenty-four, but it can technically be anything depending on the person.  Does anyone else ever forget how old they are?

3.)  What will we name our first-born?

Yeah baby, don't worry, you'll get used to it...

So many options, so many options.  Usually this thought is sprung when the latest celebrity has a baby, and gives their child a completely ridiculous name…Apple anyone?  Blue?  <–Sorry Beyonce I heart you, but I don’t heart your first born’s name.  Anyway, it usually prompts me to start coming up with my own random/different names that in my fantasy world I would name our first born…you know the kinds of names that your husband would never go for?  Yeah, those kind.  The daydream always ends the same, with me settling on the names that Matt and I have already discussed fully (which I can’t disclose now), and me usually moving on to pet names instead…

4.)  WWJD (What Would Joan Rivers Do)?

Ever since I watched the Fashion Police episode when Joan blasted Christina Aguilera for wearing that completely wretched shirt she tried to pass off as a dress (awkward), and Joan said, “Looks like Lady Marmalade got into the peanut butter again,” her voice has been haunting me.

No comment.

I hear ya Joan. I hear ya.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I zip up my skinny jeans and I hear Joan in that thick New York accent say, “Oh Sarah, did you get into the peanut butta again?”  And I want to say, “Yes, Joan.  Yes, I did,” because the truth is, I have been getting into the peanut butter lately.  Guilty as charged!  But I listen to my inner Joan and sometimes change my outfit accordingly.

For those of you who have read my blog for some time, you know that I also often ask myself WWDD (What would Dolly Parton Do) for the angel on my right shoulder, and also WWLD (What Would Larry David Do) for the devil on my left shoulder.

5.)  Should I get bangs?  Like, real bangs?  Like bang, bangs?!?!

Kel, it's totally all your fault.


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Not to pass the buck here, but I fully blame Kelly Clarkson, and how cute her bangs looked at the Superbowl, for my latest hair mishap.  Yes, I am a hair stylist, yes, I said I was done cutting my own hair, but I lied.  Yes, I lied to each and every one of you and you believed me, but it wasn’t over.  I cut my hair again, giving myself Kelly Clarkson bangs, which were cute in theory, but after a day I hated them (naturally), and decided they didn’t flatter my face…which technically I already knew…because I’ve had bangs numerous times.  Okay, I’m done with that painfully long run-on sentence.  Let’s just say the voice in my head telling me to do it has now been silenced, and I’m resting easy…with bangs.  Oh well.

Enough about me, and more about you…What are the odd things that cross your mind?

~The End.

Photos by http://larryfire.wordpress.com/2009/05/09/the-most-popular-baby-names-of-2008/, HelloGiggles, myfashioncents.com

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The “Wrap it Up” and Other Tactics to Use During Your Next Awkward Encounter…

Have you ever ran into someone when you’re out somewhere, and awkwardly tried to  make conversation?

Even Larry had an awkward run in with Penny Marshall...

You know the kind of bumbling encounter where you clam up once you get past the “Hey, how are ya?” part.  They’re also the ones that you get yourself into because you feel guilty about doing another “oblivious stare in the distance” to avoid someone for the third time in one week.

Most of all they’re…

Awkward.

Uncomfortable.

And sometimes painful.

I always seem to experience these run-in’s when I have no make-up on, too.  It never fails.  In fact, I very rarely go out of the house without a stitch of make-up on, but every time I do, I run into someone.

Running into a someone you know might be inconvenient, especially when you don’t feel like talking, but it doesn’t have to be awkward.

I bring you…

Tactics to Use for Your Next Awkward Encounter

The Oblivious Stare Into the Distance

The “oblivious stare into the distance” is when you spot someone that you know, and act like you don’t see them.  This might mean you’re acting as if you’re intently reading a magazine in line at the grocery store, admiring the dandelions in the grass, acting as if you are rummaging for your phone in your purse, or basically focusing your attention on anything other than the person you are trying to avoid.  The funny thing about the “oblivious stare into the distance” is that the person you are trying to dodge always knows what you’re up to, which just makes it even more awkward than sucking it up and just saying hello.  That is why I am not really a fan of this tactic.

I have yet to master the “oblivious stare into the distance,” but I’ve gotten the treatment myself from the same girl at least five times.  I’m not even exaggerating.  I’m not really sure why I was running into her so much in the first place, but who knows, maybe it was karma giving her multiple chances to say hello to me.  The point is, she avoided me in a slew of different ways on five separate occasions, but by about the third time I took the hint, and didn’t even try to make eye contact to say hello to her.

Which made me think, doesn’t it take more energy to avoid someone?

The Wrap It Up

The “wrap it up” is when you’re in the midst of making awkward conversation, and you make the decision to end it.  This might mean you assertively interrupt the awkward silence with an “Okay, well great seeing you,” or a “See you later.”  The point is, you take the reins and put a period on the conversation.

Most people avoid running into someone, because they lack the skills to “wrap it up.”  I think that’s understandable.  Maybe you have a hard time gauging when it’s time to end the conversation, and you get anxiety from not knowing when or how to do just that.  Let me say, once you master the “wrap it up” you will never avoid running into someone ever again.  Part of the reason an awkward run-in is so bad, is because one or both of the people involved don’t know how to “wrap it up.”  Then, the conversation drones on and on, there is uncomfortable silence, you realize you have nothing else to say to each other, so you continue to just stand there with the clock ticking away, and usually when it’s finally over you think to yourself, “The next time I will just do the oblivious stare in the distance and avoid this all together!”

But don’t!  Just learn how to “wrap it up.”

The Walk Away

So, I know what you’re all thinking…

What about when you avoid someone because you know you’re going to get stuck talking to them forever?  These are the kinds of people who the “oblivious stare into the distance” doesn’t even faze.  They’ll boldly walk right up to you, and demand your attention.  You know if you get stuck talking to them, then they’re never going to shut up.  They’re the type of people who know when they should probably stop talking, but they don’t care, because they’ve captured you and now you are going to listen to everything they have to say.

Ugh, that’s the worst.

That is why you have to master the “walk away.”  Not to toot my own horn, but I am kind of the master of the “walk away.”

Basically the “walk away” is when you interrupt the conversation with a sudden but casual departure.  You can casually start taking steps backward while the other person is still talking, and say something like, “Wow, that’s so crazy!  Hey, good seeing you,” then you inconspicuously walk away.  Yes, it’s a little rude, but the other person will probably not find you insulting, and likely mistake you for being the awkward one instead of themselves.  The point is, you successfully got away from them, so everybody wins.

On a side note, you can also use the “wrap it up” in conjunction with the “walk away,” too.

My additional two cents…

Personally I think it’s easier to just suck it up and say hello to someone, instead of avoiding them all together.  The key is to keep it short and sweet.

For example:

Person 1:  “Hey how are you?”

Person 2:  “Good.  How are you?”

Person 1:  Doing well.  How is (insert any personal question here)?

Person 2:  Very well, thank you for asking.  Tell me, how is (insert personal question here)?

Person 1:  Everything is going well with (insert personal answer here).  Well, great seeing you.  (Notice that person 1 is the initiator of the conversation and the “wrapper upper.)

Person 2:  See you later!

That wasn’t too hard, was it?

Now that you have the tools, you’ll probably never avoid someone ever again, right?

Well, we’ll see…

~The End

Photo by IMDB…

The Chat and Cut

What is a “Chat and Cut?”:
Coined by the comedic genius Larry David; the act of feigning sincerity with someone you barely know (and/or even like), and employing trite conversation, to cut into a line (i.e a buffet, movie theater, grocery store, etc.)
“Do you see what’s going on here? This woman is completely doing a Chat and Cut to get ahead in the buffet line.”
Today I experienced what Larry David from Curb Your Enthusiasm would refer to as a “chat and cut” while I was grocery shopping.  There were only 2 lines in the whole place open, and the one I was in was a mile long.  So, there I stand with my cart full of 5 tons of groceries, unaware of the chat and cut that was about to claim my innocence, when some broad comes out of nowhere pushing and shoving and trying to get to the front of the line.  She makes her way to some dude she seems to barely know, and starts chatting it up with him about useless babble.  She was like, “OMGeee, I totally haven’t seen you since March!” You could tell the guy was def not in the mood to yuck it up with her, or aid and abet with her little scheme of a chat and cut, but she wasn’t taking a hint, and if she was, she was ignoring it.  She thought she was pulling one over on all of us in the line, as she managed to make her swift segue, and then to insult our intelligence even more, once she got settled there, she tried her best to seem carefree and unconcerned as she browsed the magazines.  Once she got that spot in the line, it became obvious that she purely used this dude for cutting purposes, because she completely gave up on making the awkward conversation with him.  Lame.
I like to think of Larry David as my fairy Godfather.  Kind of like, WWLD?  As I experienced my first chat and cut (well, my first one since becoming aware of the term), I really should have said something but I didn’t, and Larry would have toooootally said something.  It’s okay, though, because I’m pretty sure she could feel the daggers I was trying to telepathically send to the back of her head.  Hooray.

I could learn a few things from Larry...